"What do you feel about termination?"
My clinical psychologist (CP) asked me.
Oh really? So today will be our last session?
Yes. Today is my fourth and last session for Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. And I passed with flying colours. She said I can get A-. Haha.
So I end up my CBT today. Yuhuu!
Since kak Siti Nurfarehan Samsurkhar already open up my story, with my consent of course, InsyaAllah I'll share with public what I've been go trough and how to survive. I am not 100% recover yet, but I want people to realised that MENTAL ILLNESS is real, invisible and very painful.
"Mimi sabar ya. Doa banyak-banyak."
Ucapan ni memang selalu terima sebelum ni. Almost everyone will tell me this everytime I tried to share my feeling, my pain and my 'serabut'ness. They are not wrong. But for your information, it doesnt help at all. My housemate also learn a lot. After they knew my condition, they changed their word to --> you are not alone, I'll be there for you, just tell me if you need anything, you are not alone because I'm with you, I am proud of you and no more pergi baca Quran, hatimu akan tenang ukhti.
Yeah. We've done this together. This is not only me, but we fight together to 'heal' my disease. Can you imagine how can I survived without them?
I don't want to remember the time when I feel impossible for me to smile again.
I don't want to remember the time when I feel I want to cut my wrist.
Idon't want to sleep and cry along the day for many days.
I don't want to feel that everyone hate me.
I don't want to have panic attack, shortness of breath, palpitation and choking everytime I passed my treshold.
I don't want to leave people that I love because I hate them.
I don't want to treat people badly and full of anger.
I don't want to walk without umbrella during rainy day alone.
I don't want to feel useless.
I don't want to stay alone and being ignorant.
It is all the pain and it they are real.
InsyaAllah I will keep writing to spread the awareness, to save live and soul.
Stay tuned.
